The Democrats are it again! It’s less than a week from the election, and they’re doing everything they can to lose the election. Here is my take, as a farce in three acts.

Act 1, Scene 1: John Kerry speaking about the importance of education. Tells a group of students that if they don’t work hard, don’t complete their education, and are stupid, they’ll end up in Iraq. Whether or not he MEANT to sound so idiotic (he still claims it was supposed to be a joke about the President, who we all know is a moe-ron), he insulted a huge number of Americans. Americans who are braver than John Kerry can even fathom.

Act 1, Scene 2: Kerry refuses to give into the Republican machinery that is out to get him. “They’re trying to destroy me!” “Wah-wah, you damn pansy,” I say. “Get some balls and apologize.” But Kerry doesn’t listen to me, no matter how many times I try to call him.

Act 1, Scene 3: Kerry apologizes, but not for his remarks. No, of course not! He apologizes that other people misrepresented and misinterpreted his remarks. He thinks this is the end of it, but even his fellow Demon-crats are begging him to shut the hell up. They’re even saying “Thanks for the offer to campaign on our behalf. We think our drug-dealing love child is a much better fit for this particular audience. Maybe next time.” Assuming, of course, they’re thinking, that you keep your damn trap shut.

Act 2, Scene 1: This scene takes place in the quiet town of Alexandria, Minnesota. Judi-with-an-I Dutcher, candidate for the Lieutenant Governor’s office here in Minnesota, is being interviewed by a young reporter stud from the local ABC affiliate. He asks her what she thinks of E-85, and how it has turned around the economies of many small Minnesota towns, even saving some from extinction. Judi-with-an-I doesn’t know what E-85 is. She has no freaking clue, even though Minnesota leads the nation in E-85 production and consumption, with over 300 E-85-equipped filling stations. E-85 is something any candidate for any statewide office in Minnesota should know about. But Judi-with-an-I has no clue.

Act 2, Scene 2: Mike Hatch says that our current, Republican governor, Tim Pawlenty is sinking to “picking on a woman” for pointing out that Judi-with-an-I Dutcher does not appear qualified to serve as Lt. Governor. Hatch offends all sensible women by implying that having a uterus makes you too fragile to accept criticism for your actions.

Act 2, Scene 3: Mike Hatch continues to make an ass of himself by claiming that the ABC affiliate that first aired the Judi-with-an-I interview is owned by a “political hack.” Okay, Mikey – let’s not make more of an ass of ourselves, now.

Act 3, Scene 1: The Minnesota media outlets spend their entire A-blocks (the first part of the news before the first commercial) rehashing Judi-with-an-I’s comments and Mike Hatch’s responses. KSTP claims that they “stand by the story.”

Act 3, Scene 2: Minnesota media outlets spend a good portion of their B blocks discussing the Minnesota National Guard soldiers who made a sign imploring “Jon Carry” to help them because they were stuck in “Irak.”

For such a Blue state, I am proud of my journalists. They actually reported on stories without much bias. Impressive.